Classical Evidence of why you shouldn't spank your monkey 3 times a day.

Since we are modern animals we need modern evidence which a hot bodied female broadcaster can tell us with the sports news.

Or you could just read the items below:

Pythagoras
Of the Pythagorean theorem fame. If he was smart enough to figure out a triangle you can be sure he could figure out how to go for a few days without jerking his gerkin.

Hippocrates
You remember hearing about the Hippocratic oath, right? So why this "Father of Medicine" didn't approve of greasing your monkey everyday to fall asleep is beyond the scope of modern medicine. We are after all, "advanced."

Democritus (400 BC) of Abdera Thrace was called "The Laughing Philosopher"
How he could be so happy without having a date with Rosy Palm and her five daughters is beyond me (and beyond modern medicine too).

Aristotle (350 BC)
If you haven't heard of him you have learnt too much in sex-ed.

Claudius Galenus of Pergamum (131 - 201 AD)
Ancient Greek physician and philosopher. His works on medicine & philosophy total 22 volumes.